27 Things You’ll Know If You’re An Avid Fake Tanner

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‘I don’t know how you do it! I couldn’t be bothered’ – says everyone about fake tan, apart from the unfortunate few of us who get HOOKED and can’t imagine life without it ever again.

As Chrissy Teigen shares a picture of her white bed post-spray tan, we think about the worst things about self tanning life…

  1. You smell like ‘biscuits’ (apparently — though we’ve never known a biscuit that smelled like tanning chemicals) 40% of the time.
  2. The very real fear when your faux glow starts coming off  (odds are it will start at the elbows) when you’re on holiday, leaving your pale un-sunned skin gleaming through.
  3. The weekly toss-up between a brown bed and an uncomfortable baby grow.
  4. The one time you don’t fake tan, everyone will tell you they love your natural skin colour and how you shouldn’t fake tan. (Shut. Up.)
  5. Trying to avoid getting even the slightest bit hot after you fake tan… A summer nightmare that sees you lying spread out, getting so stressed out.
  6. Trialing a new one and waking up looking SO ORANGE.
  7. You’d remortgage your house (if you had one) to get fake tan. Running out is pretty much the scariest prospect ever.
  8. The reaction the first time you come to bed in a babygrow (to avoid it getting on the sheets).
  9. The winter fake tan trick, skipping out any part of your body that isn’t going to be seen by the general public.
  10. Bright orange hands — the nightmare.
  11. When you use your last bit of energy slathering yourself in dark brown mousse.
  12. Your towels will go streaky, 100%.
  13. You have passionate views on which is the best… St Tropez vs. Fake Bake.
  14. That morning check of last night's application… Hands – good, elbows – good, knees – AHHHH, they're SO STREAKY!
  15. The idea of a spray tan can be quite stressful… But, you have to actually get home?
  16. You consider if black bedding is too weird? Or is navy chic?
  17. The tanning-your-entire-back struggle… You either get help or your shoulders get unnaturally flexible.
  18. Everyone will ask you what your natural skin colour is like — as if you have a chart handy to point it out.
  19. Those blobs on the bottom of your feet when you step on fake tan when applying.
  20. Once it's on, it's not coming off until it wants to. Those streaks are nat coming off — if anything you'll make the sections in between lighter which will enhance them.
  21. The weekly bath which takes two hours, one bottle of bath oil and an exfoliating glove, which leaves you with pretty much a whole new skin.
  22. Get used to the bath having a permanent tan tidemark.
  23. When you get waxed and your tan comes off, leaving a rather fetching white bikini line.
  24. People get used to you totally changing colour over night, coming in to work at least six shades darker.
  25. Your nails go a delightful shade of tangerine.
  26. Having to avoid getting hot, moving, exfoliating, hot baths or showers, wearing sandals, swimming and most other activities for fear of it rubbing off prematurely.
  27. You kind of hate doing it but that feeling of waking up and checking out your new bronzed bod beats anything.

Faux tan or no tan? Here's an InStyler's verdict…


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